I am trained as an engineer. My job as a software developer involves solving a lot of problems. In maintaining software, I fix bugs and problems throughout my day. In my part time work as a grief counselor I listen and hear a lot of stories. And, almost every time, and sometimes I have tried to “fix” their “problem” by offering advice when it was not asked for, giving the bereaved things to “do”, or how to change their thinking. Firstly, to the ones I may have done that, I give my most humble apologies.
Secondly, when I just listened, simply listened to their story, simply listened to the expression of their feelings, I see a shift right at that that moment. A shift in their eyes and their countenance. That shift is almost miraculous and all I did was listen, just listen. I did not offer advice or give things to do or anything about changing their thinking. I simply listened and occasionally reflect back to them what I heard. Never have I seen that shift when I gave piece of advice. Yet, if I just simply listen wholeheartedly, and with total presence I see that shift.
And I don’t get that, no “fixing”, no solving a “problem”, no giving advice, and not suggestions on what they should think. Yet, in that shift, it’s like a miracle occurred. The bereaved suddenly smiles or begins expressing from a place I had not seen before. Suddenly, the bereaved sees the light at the end of the tunnel, they can share about the one that died more comfortably and easily. The bereaved sees how they can move on from the loss.
Witnessing that shift is miraculous and I cannot explain it in any way from my rational, mathematical mind. The power of the healing is in the sharing and listening, simply listening. My role as the listener is not to fix, because I cannot fix no matter what I say or do. All I can do is create a safe space for the bereaved to express and listen no matter what is said, no matter the tears, or fears or anger. And somehow in that expression, that thing I call “the shift” occurs. A shift in perspective, mood, and countenance occurs all at once and it is simply in the listening. And I keep on listening, and when I see that shift, I don’t get it. I cannot explain it. The power and magic of healing is not in what is said, but simply in the listening. And still, there is a part of me, that just doesn’t get it.
Good Grief Reflections 